I'm going through a really painful time in my life right now, and I can't really talk about it here. It would just be too far beyond protocol to discuss in a journal with internet acquaintances who aren't really here to read about this kind of thing.

I doubt that most of you would care, by which I do not mean any of you are incompassionate or uncaring, but rather that, socially, given the structure and nature of our relationships, any of you could really, truly comment regarding it at all. Instead, it would just create akwardness, like telling your co-workers that your sister is dying of cancer when they ask how you're doing. Sure, you get an "Oh, that's terrible. I'm sorry," and an akward pat on the shoulder, but dealing with such things isn't part of the relationship.

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I had a rough night at work last night, extremely tired and couldn't wait for the night to end so I could crawl into bed, had some other difficulties as well, and I started feeling the way I do when I notice a bout of depression is starting to set in. I figured, at the time, it was just the fact that I was incredibly tired, because I hadn't had a decent night's sleep in days.

So, after I finished my weekly 12-hour shift at 6am and helped get the kids out the door for school, I spent a few minutes realizing I couldn't fall asleep. So I took a shower and finished up the last few chapters of "Soliders Live" by Glen Cook. Then I crashed and spent most of the day sleeping. I only woke up because Jen needed help with the kids while she was making dinner, and then I found I was dead tired and a friggin' bear to deal with (I thought) because of it.

Kids were put to bed early and I grabbed a blanket and slept on the couch for another three-to-four hours. I could have slept more, but it was enough that I was no longer feeling tired, and I had some typically vivid and bizarre dreams.

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Overall, a fairly typical dream for me, other than the one particularly odd element I mentioned. It could have been fighting vampires and mutants in a post-apocalyptic city and it would have been a typical as well, since not all my dreams are quite that hauntedly gothic in nature.

That dream, and that woman, has been hanging inside my head all night. Feels good to get it out, because when I started this post, I was going to write about how depressed I was feeling, that it obviously had not risen just from tiredness, that it was another bout of depression setting in.

I can still feel that, too, in the back of my mind, so I've staved it off for the moment. I have almost a day off today, since I worked midnights again and with an evening shift tomorrow, so hopefully I will be able to recharge and beat this before I come back to work on Friday night. I won't have to sit here all night feeling useless, crushed and apathetic.